School Refusal...What to do?
by Doreen Campbell, M.Ed.

“I don’t want to go to school!” That message was clearly stated a few weeks ago by my very own five year old daughter. The week that followed brought a little crying, but with some coaxing on my part, off she went. A stomach ache was soon added to the mix of complaints. My children know the family rule: no fever means you go to school. This was a behavior management text book classic: “The behavior will get much worse before it gets better.” As a behavioral specialist for the BEST program, I tell my parent clients, “Stick with it.” “A rule is a rule.” I always alert them to the fact that accelerated negative behavior on the child’s part means the parent is doing the right thing.  Next, my daughter brought out the tears, the hiding behind the couch and body bridging which meant that I needed to physically carry her to the car. Once at school, the “Velcro child” method was employed and the Vice-Principal had to peel my daughter from me and walk her to class!

These episodes caused me to revisit my childhood. All I had to do when I was in school was to tell my mother I wasn’t feeling well and I was given permission to stay home. The school office must have had a whole box full of “Please excuse Doreen for being absent” notes stashed somewhere in the drawers. What my mom taught me was that a rule was not a rule all the time. If I complained loud enough a rule could be broken.

The lesson I wanted to teach my daughter was that we are a family that values education and commitment. We go to school. It is not negotiable on a daily basis. We have a family rule in place that clearly states the school attendance policy for our home. Although the sad face and pleading voice play upon a parent’s heart, it is imperative to overcome the refusal behaviors.

Below are some strategies that are useful when dealing with refusal to attend school:

* Be empathetic but firm. “I understand. Sometimes, I don’t feel like I want to go to work, but I go anyway. After I am there for a while, I feel better about being present.”  Every parent knows that school can be stressful. Be sure to study every aspect of what your child is saying for the purpose of conversing with them.

* Establish a positive reinforcement program. Talk to your school counselor.

* Remember, the more days at home, the harder the return will become.

*  Observe what triggers the behavior.

* Ask if a peer buddy might be assigned to your child at recess or lunchtime.

* Punishment does not work, but kind,consistent rational pressure and encouragement does. 

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